i.never

pessimism was my brightest quality
it shed light on the uncertainty i thought was there
and made apathy more possible than ever before
but i never had something good enough to dread losing this much
every little misspoken word
runs a page of doubt across my mind
making little cuts appear
not too visible
but they sting all the same
[maybe thats why i ache so much]
i hate the way it gets me to me, really
i always thought i was above the concept of feeling
despite my previous pains, every fresh hurt
makes me wince just as much as the first
does this make me sensitive or gullible?
i wish i wasn't so disappointed at my lack of indifference
i wish i didn't feel so stupid for caring
even moreso, i wish that i could focus on everything good that is coming out of this situation as opposed to everything that could possibly go wrong [but hasn't]
sometimes i think i get it from my father
that
is definitely
NOT
a good
thing


"enchantment has
but one truth
i weep to have
what i fear to lose"
-t. holopainen [nightwish-'gethsemane']