sorrow. [no more]

the mood strikes
&everything seems more & more fucked up
closer to reality
or further away.
i have no authority whatsoever to distinguish between the two.

the world doesn't run on a merit system.
a good thing, the best thing has happened to me.
do i deserve it?
absolutely not.

before i even knew how to sin in any shape & form
stability unraveled from below me
quietly
i never even heard myself hit the bottom.

zoom back in.
a room.
locked door.
tearing at myself.
bloodshot eyes.
the.
clock.
ticked.
so.
loud.
i.
wanted.
to.
die.
it dawns on me now.
that the reason that happened is because i did do a lot of bad things.

&i continue to torture myself in their place.
[?!]

how many children are out tonight?
the possibilities tear at me like
car windows obliterating at 80 mph.

i dream about needles & smoke
&sad eyes in empty sockets
my eyes in my face.
crawling with swollen blood vessels.

if one can even call that dreaming at all.